WELCOME TO ITAPIRA - Night Vale Style

Elizabeth LOVES a podcast called WELCOME TO NIGHT VALE.  It is quirky and creative ... just like Elizabeth.

She asked me to listen to a few... and so I listened to the first season.  Night Vale is a community where the commonplace is scary and the paranormal is well.... normal.

I wrote her an email in Night Vale style a few weeks ago.  It is below in BOLD. 

She wrote back this week and said that she wanted to write me one back in the same style. It is listed BELOW after the ******.  I am reminded (considering how her version is 500x better than mine) that my kid is seriously so smart and creative.  She cracks me up.

MY EMAIL:

We may not understand why the squirrel hides the nuts. But be the squirrel. Do not be the raccoon. Never be the raccoon.

Welcome to your Mothers Letter

First, the news.  The Sheffer family residents are complaining about their chores.  Several agitated citizens are pushing for the leadership to do something about the moldy smell that arises whenever the constellation Orion eats black-eyed peas.  One citizen describes the smell as “the stench of drowned puppies, or possibly despair”. Sonja Sheffer, president of the community group DO YOUR CHORES OR DIE! said that Orion couldn’t possibly be the source of the smell as the cats are collecting aluminum cans for a science project. The smell and the resulting lack of chore completion is taking a toll as there is a loss of gravity in the upstairs bathroom.

Breaking News! We’ve received confirmation that Emily, you know, the sister, is graduating from school on May 3^rd. After that time she will only wear sunglasses and trench coats and will become the proud owner of a raging case of foot fungus. We are so proud as this is the American dream.

The City Council has announced that now that Sonja’s cavity is filled she is picking up radio frequencies from American Samoa. This is understandably upsetting to Sonja as she liked being able to randomly smell daffodils better. Appreciate what you have, folks. You never know when hooded figures will suck it all away.

WEATHER:  There is Sunshine In My Soul  Today – Hymn 227

New information on the patriarch, who you might remember as the white guy that wears polo shirts and tracks Pokemon. Witnesses say that he has taken to leaning on the hood of his truck in the lanes of the cemetery, shaking his head slowly and checking his index finger for glass splinters.  Anyone caught giving the patriarch Mountain Dew will be required to limit questionable public activities on Tuesdays at the Bowling Alley.

PROVERB:

The squeaky wheel gets the cheese - if you can get it away from the rabid mice first.

*******************************************************************************

And now Elizabeth's MUCH BETTER version of a Night Vale episode:

A friendly Brazilian community where it gets surprisingly cold, we occasionally run out of gasoline, and it's literally known as the City of the Mad.

WELCOME TO ITAPIRA

It´s that time of year again, readers.  That´s right!  Festa de Maio!  We´re not sure what we are celebrating, but celebrate we must!  Celebrate!  

Celebrate. . . 

celebrate . . . 

celebrate!

Besides, the month of May may or may not happen at all, ahahaha, so do try to enjoy it.  There are booths for churros, a wide variety of bootleg merchandise, and all the bees you could hope for.  The festival will last for the entire second week of May.

Public Service Announcement: This is a reminder to nail fruit to the trees down by the river.  Our avian friends are hungry after all, and who knows what they´ll eat if we don´t.  Also, garbage day is this week.  Remember to keep your garbage elevated and safely caged.  We all know what happens when we don´t secure our garbage, and we don´t want that, now do we?

And now for our message from the City Council:

Those dark shapes you´ve been seeing down by the river?  Don´t worry about it!  It´s just the capybaras.  Are capybaras real you ask?  Of course they are.  Don´t look at them too close.

Seriously, don´t look.

Now an update on the spiders.  

It´s bad news readers.  Residents are noticing an increased number of spiders, and lizard sightings are down.  It looks like the ongoing war between the two species is not going well for our reptilian friends.  Probably be best if you avoid the hive bridge for the next few weeks, as that is where most of the nests are located.  If you must use the bridge, consider taking a sacrifice, such as a coxinha, or an acquaintance that you know runs a little slower than you.

And now, the weather.  

*Vaguely out of tune elevator music played on instruments you can´t quite identify*

That clapping you've been hearing at the gates of your homes?  Probably the missionaries.  No one knows the church they represent, how they found your home, or how they know your name.  They speak of angels, ancient texts, and the restoration of what no one wants to think was lost.  If you encounter them and do not wish to hear their message, simply say that you are busy.  They will thank you for your time and leave.  You´ll need to move immediately if you want to avoid a later visit by missionaries who look remarkably like the first ones, but just different enough to make you wonder.  Tell no one where you've gone.  They will find you.  Remember, they travel in pairs.  If you see one, there´s a second not far behind.

Remember dear readers, no matter where you are, you are never alone or forgotten.  Loved ones you've lost, found, and even haven´t met yet are thinking of you and wishing you well.  And, even if all those fail, the stars are always waiting for you to look up and remember how fleeting this existence really is.

Goodnight, Itapira.  Goodnight.